you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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