I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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