I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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