i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
