I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
