i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
