why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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