I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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