I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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