I wish my penis had an off switch
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Randomize
