12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
