Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
