i already hear my dad disowning me
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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