I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
