I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
