I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
