If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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