I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
