i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
