Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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