She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
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