Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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