in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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