I should be sponsored by Trojan
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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