OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
You took a bar mat shot.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
