I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
