i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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