I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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