She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
