He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
