im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
