saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
