honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
