I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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