His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
