so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
