Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
you made out with another girl for some wings
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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