She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
