I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
