I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
