The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
