3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
