my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
