i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
