She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
