I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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