Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
