i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
