She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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