my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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