I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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