She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
