she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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