hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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