I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
