i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
