Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
