Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize