someone owes me an orgasm
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
